Wanted: Entry-Level Mommy

Lillian in her "Baby Boardroom."

Since I am so longer an HR Manager (see previous post), I decided to use my job-description skills one last time for the very important position of “Mother.” Please note that this position can be taken on by itself or in conjunction with another career, either inside or outside the home.  This “job description” is by no means comprehensive and comes only from my experience thus far as a mommy of 1 child under the age of two (and was written after a sleepless night). Hope you enjoy!

Position: MOTHER

Overview: The Mother provides continual love, comfort, support and discipline to offspring. The ideal candidate is a creative, organized self-starter with the ability to research and apply her own on-the-job training. This position requires extreme flexibility and strong sense of humor.

Hours: The Mother is on call 24/7; some work may occasionally be performed remotely.

Responsibilities: Responsibilities of the Mother include, but CERTAINLY are not limited to the following:

• Conducting orientation and training in many different areas, including, but not limited to, eating, proper bathroom behavior, manners, obedience, and napping;
• Providing safety checks for all common play and meal areas;
• Providing food, clothing, and shelter for offspring;
• Providing a hand to hold, shoulder to cry on, and a general loving environment for offspring;
• Providing discipline, as needed, in a loving and patient manner;
• Assembling and performing safety checks of a variety of plastic, wooden, and battery operated toys.
• Cleaning various messes, ranging in various levels of disgusting;
• Coordinating various social calendars; and, 
• Taking on technical challenges such as fixing broken zippers, toys, and other household items. 

Experience: No experience required; on-the-job “training” available.

Qualifications/Skills:

Required: A candidate must be able to

• Function on less than 8 hours of sleep; the ability to function on 4-6 hours of sleep is strongly preferred;
• Field unsolicited advice in a professional and polite manner at every turn;
• Field glaring looks or comments of other judgmental Mothers (or Non-Mothers) for not agreeing on her stance on breastfeeding, formula feeding, staying at home, working outside the home, vaccinating, not vaccinating, co-sleeping, crying it out, etc.
• Make decisions quickly about what is best for her family and offspring;

Strongly Preferred: A candidates should

• Possess the ability to perform most household chores with one arm;
• Possess the ability to lift at least 30lbs of body weight, sacks, boxes, or other awkwardly shaped things (the ability to open doors while carrying these things is a plus);
• Possess the ability to hold bladder for an extended period of time and the ability use the restroom in under 1 minute flat on all occasions.
• Not be easily distracted by every day annoyances, like hair pulling, stepping on toys and food throwing;
• Possess a strong stomach and should not be easily grossed out;
• Possess the ability to make a song out of any situation;
• For children between the ages of 6 months and potty-training, possess the ability to wrestle a small bear down and clothe it. 
• Possess an extreme amount of patience with offspring and the partnering Father; and, 
• Possess an extreme amount of patience with herself and other Mothers.

Compensation/Benefits:

• Candidates must be willing to make an initial 18+ year investment of time, money, and sacrifice of their own personal lives, for no initial monetary return on investment;
• The Mother will be provided with the cutest child(ren) ever;
• The Mother will be compensated in smiles, hugs, life lessons, and other highly-fulfilling, non-monetary moments; and, 
• Hopefully, the Mother and her partnering Father will be provided grandchildren from their offspring and adequate end-of-life care. 

There are numerous ways to apply to become a Mother. If you are interested, you should contact your common sense, doctor, or foster or adoption agency.

Changing Viewpoints

At 5:05 pm today, I shut down and handed over my laptop, handed over my keys, picked up my last remaining bit of personal items, got into my car and drove out of the tight-fit of a parking garage for the last time. 

At 5:05 PM today, I officially traded this view:

For this view:

As I walk out of my office that I have worked so hard to earn, my mind is filled with “Eek!” That’s a very fancy way of saying I’m not exactly sure how I am feeling. My best guess, is it’s a good mixture of scared-to-death panic, excitement, and relief.

So, why am I leaving? The quickest answer is this: Have you ever looked around at your life and thought, “I am not supposed to be here.” Because for the past few months, that’s exactly what I’ve been thinking. And, when I take an audit of all the plates being juggled, this one seems the most logical to let drop.

Until I had Lillian, I viewed being anything but the best as failure. And, to tell the truth, I still somewhat do. As it turns out, it is very hard to be the very best manager (surrounded by an all-male management team—except for me, of course) and to be the very best mother for my child. Please do not read this to say that there are not women who can be the best at both. Just, in my current (or now, very recently past) environment, I do not possess such capabilities.

And, as much as I would have never admitted to you 10, 5 or even 1 year ago, the kid will always come first. So, with a lot (and, I mean A LOT) of faith, I am redefining what my environment looks like. 

I am stepping away from this job with 100 (or maybe 5) new entrepreneurial ideas that I want to try. Several may be epic failures, but hopefully, with my lifeblood poured into it, one will stick. Maybe I’ll even go on Shark Tank and trade part of a company over for a single day of Mark Cuban’s time. The last part is probably a stretch. 

I will be using this blog to post my adventures in entrepreneurial mommyhood. Success or failure, I want a diary of this “trial” period in my life. I mean, if it doesn’t work out, the corporate world will take me back, right? And, if not, there’s always another degree (just kidding!).