Wanted: Entry-Level Mommy

Lillian in her "Baby Boardroom."

Since I am so longer an HR Manager (see previous post), I decided to use my job-description skills one last time for the very important position of “Mother.” Please note that this position can be taken on by itself or in conjunction with another career, either inside or outside the home.  This “job description” is by no means comprehensive and comes only from my experience thus far as a mommy of 1 child under the age of two (and was written after a sleepless night). Hope you enjoy!

Position: MOTHER

Overview: The Mother provides continual love, comfort, support and discipline to offspring. The ideal candidate is a creative, organized self-starter with the ability to research and apply her own on-the-job training. This position requires extreme flexibility and strong sense of humor.

Hours: The Mother is on call 24/7; some work may occasionally be performed remotely.

Responsibilities: Responsibilities of the Mother include, but CERTAINLY are not limited to the following:

• Conducting orientation and training in many different areas, including, but not limited to, eating, proper bathroom behavior, manners, obedience, and napping;
• Providing safety checks for all common play and meal areas;
• Providing food, clothing, and shelter for offspring;
• Providing a hand to hold, shoulder to cry on, and a general loving environment for offspring;
• Providing discipline, as needed, in a loving and patient manner;
• Assembling and performing safety checks of a variety of plastic, wooden, and battery operated toys.
• Cleaning various messes, ranging in various levels of disgusting;
• Coordinating various social calendars; and, 
• Taking on technical challenges such as fixing broken zippers, toys, and other household items. 

Experience: No experience required; on-the-job “training” available.

Qualifications/Skills:

Required: A candidate must be able to

• Function on less than 8 hours of sleep; the ability to function on 4-6 hours of sleep is strongly preferred;
• Field unsolicited advice in a professional and polite manner at every turn;
• Field glaring looks or comments of other judgmental Mothers (or Non-Mothers) for not agreeing on her stance on breastfeeding, formula feeding, staying at home, working outside the home, vaccinating, not vaccinating, co-sleeping, crying it out, etc.
• Make decisions quickly about what is best for her family and offspring;

Strongly Preferred: A candidates should

• Possess the ability to perform most household chores with one arm;
• Possess the ability to lift at least 30lbs of body weight, sacks, boxes, or other awkwardly shaped things (the ability to open doors while carrying these things is a plus);
• Possess the ability to hold bladder for an extended period of time and the ability use the restroom in under 1 minute flat on all occasions.
• Not be easily distracted by every day annoyances, like hair pulling, stepping on toys and food throwing;
• Possess a strong stomach and should not be easily grossed out;
• Possess the ability to make a song out of any situation;
• For children between the ages of 6 months and potty-training, possess the ability to wrestle a small bear down and clothe it. 
• Possess an extreme amount of patience with offspring and the partnering Father; and, 
• Possess an extreme amount of patience with herself and other Mothers.

Compensation/Benefits:

• Candidates must be willing to make an initial 18+ year investment of time, money, and sacrifice of their own personal lives, for no initial monetary return on investment;
• The Mother will be provided with the cutest child(ren) ever;
• The Mother will be compensated in smiles, hugs, life lessons, and other highly-fulfilling, non-monetary moments; and, 
• Hopefully, the Mother and her partnering Father will be provided grandchildren from their offspring and adequate end-of-life care. 

There are numerous ways to apply to become a Mother. If you are interested, you should contact your common sense, doctor, or foster or adoption agency.